Saturday, October 28, 2017

The day my whole being crumbles - 15/10/2017


15/10/2017 the day when my heart and soul broke into million pieces.

At around 7:30 am I received a call from ayah. Thinking that he wanted me to bring something for mama, I  was shocked to hear him say these words 'Ina, I think you better come to the hospital now, the Doctor kata mama sedang tenat'.

At that point, I just went into auto-pilot mode, don't ask me how but I arrived at the hospital about half hour later to be greeted with Mama already on oxygen mask, not being able to breath well. At about 10:54AM, mama had left us. With very little warning, all too soon.

I knew, someday - in my mind - some distance away - mama may leave us. I knew, what she had was terminal, and she may not be with us for long. I knew, but, I was not prepared that it would be this soon.

I was not prepared that when I left on the night of 14th Oct that would be the last time I was having a conversation with mama. I was not prepared that when mama was admitted on 28th Sept, that was the last time of her being at home with us.

Having lost your mother felt like something is snatched from your heart leaving a hole that could never be recovered.

Though I wanted my mum not to suffer, it is still too painful when Allah had taken her away from me.

Many times - I kept thinking, is it really true? is it really true to mama is not with me anymore??

It's cliche to say - I miss my late mum, but truth is, you could never ever register it until you have experienced it.

This grieve, and that intense feeling of lost, it would come to me at an unexpected time(s),  sometimes when I am alone, sometimes when I have roomful of people, sometimes even while I am laughing at something, and EVEN when I am elated, I just cant be too happy - because I had just realised that I could not tell mama about it. Can't even bring myself to talk about when I am feeling sad. The sorrow, it is just unbearable..


Today, its my first time home after coming back from my parents. No more calls to remind me to lock the doors and to tell me not to go out. No more eternal love who would love me no matter what, who would pray endlessly for me, who would move heaven and earth for me, who would always be there for me - one who is largely my reason to live and to do well.

Ya Allah, Ampuni dosa-dosa mama, terimalah ibadahnya, lapangkanlah kuburnya and tempatkanlah dia di kalangan yang beriman. Mama, I love you more than words can say, Ina doakan mama tenang di sana, I miss you so so much